My Silence

The whir, the hum, the chitter chatter, the pitter patter of rain
the music, the stairs, the people, animals and things stirring
all these sounds, all of life’s music, there, as it always will be.

A steady transition from this world to the next, a steady change from sounds to naught,such is a routine, a daily task. Something that’s become almost second nature, almost. Tossing the machinery aside, it goes quiet, as if a lull has descended upon time, it seems to stand still, everything. Every buzz, every rattle, every noise ceases, as if they all stopped. But time goes on, and everything picks up again, yet, silent – not like before.

I think nothing of it, I’ve done this everyday, I live this life, this world where my senses are immersed in two realities. But, there are those days when I faintly hear something as if it’s loud and clear, where I distinctly make it out. That loud slam, that shower water running over my ear. As I pull away, nothing but silence, a silence you can’t hear. It’s not deafening, it’s not loud, and it’s not awkward. It’s a silence never heard before by anyone but me. And it’s a scary silence. Such a silence brings such a wave of emotions, ebb and flow of anger and sadness, of frustration and sorrow, of tears and joy. Such a humiliation, yet such a challenge. How can this silence be… so profound?

At first my thoughts race, faster than they’ve raced before. As if they finally have their turn to speak, without fear of being drowned out in the noise. Voices they are, crying out, wailing out, screaming – you can’t hear!!!! What are you going to do now?!! The screams build, as a bull gathers speed, as a rhino lowers his head. The impact is strong, as if my reality was shattered as easily as glass. As it falls to the floor, not in shards, but completely impacted as sand, the feelings change. The voices grow angrier, screaming in rage. I can’t hear, this I know, but my muscles tense, my blood boils. With a furrow, and not a sigh, my fists clench, and my mouth opens. I scream, yet no noise comes out, why is this so? Why is it every time I scream when I hear the silence no one else can hear, my scream never comes out. Has this silence robbed me of my voice? The voices in my head are quiet, they have most certainly heard the scream, the bloodcurdling roar. All is back to normal again, it is a quiet silence, one I’ve heard before.

Realizing this silence has built me up in ways no one else can, in ways no one else will experience. I rather like this silence, so profound, this silence that no one else can hear. It is my silence, and I will use it to make myself stronger. One day, maybe one day, I can hear this silence, but for now, I’ll never hear the silence, and that, my friends, is ok.

FM System – a little how-to how do you do?

So what is an FM system? Why and how do I feel about using one? Read on to learn about the glorified machine…

Yet another machine, yet another piece of technology on which I rely.  The FM system at it’s very core is a microphone, with a loop of string (that’s really the antennae).  Generally speaking I give this to the teacher, lecturer, important person I need to hear.  The microphone, as all microphones do, picks up the sound and sends it to a special device called the boot.  It’s called an FM boot because it slips on the back of my hearing aid like, well, a boot.  With this boot on I can pick up any sounds sent from the FM system as I so please, meaning I can switch between off and receiving.  Nowadays the machinery is so sophisicated that it is also capable of hooking up to my computer and transmitting sounds (music, movies, random beeping noises computers make) to my boot, up to 100 feet away (same range for teachers).  It can even sync wirelessly to my phone or ipod via bluetooth!

Really cool right!?  Well… about that, as cool as I realize it is, I still don’t like it.  I never enjoyed the fact that one of my five senses relies on a battery, and I never enjoyed the fact that in order to understand the teacher with full clarity, I had to go up to them at the beginning of class, in front of all the students, and hand them a microphone.  Sometimes I feel as if I’m bothering them, other times I feel as if they detest me because I get some sort of “special treatment,” and even still I sometimes feel they think I’m ‘special’ because of my machinery.

I’ve gotten over it, but I like keeping it in the classrooms and meetings.  I don’t like bringing it when I’m with friends, because I don’t want to accept the fact that in order for me to understand a group of friends I need another layer of machinery.  With every layer I add, as much as it helps or hinders my understanding, it is another layer that my pure, basic, sense is hiding under.  Believe it or not, I’m working so hard to uncover that sense, to get it working again, not to hide it upon tide after tide of machines, batteries, electricity.

So there, a little how to, how do you do with my FM system.

Advocacy – Independency

Living life on my own, or living life with the help of others? While the help of others is greatly appreciated, there is a limit, and I feel the line may have been crossed by the one person who cares most about me in this world – mom. I love her to death, but maybe she could have advocated a little less, and left me to figure things out on my own a little more. Hearing loss is a touchy situation to teach, they are valuable tools – my hearing aids – and were they to break I’d be in trouble, so I’ve come to rely on my mother to teach me how to care for them and to essentially care for them. On my own, they seem to deteriorate faster…

This issue of do I want my mom to essentially baby me and nag me to take care of things I need done so they get done, or do I want her to back off and forget things on my own and have them break down. The very definition of this issue shows a problem, but realistically speaking no such problem exists. By making mistakes, and by falling down or breaking apart, can I get back up and put it back together again. If it never breaks down, when it finally does, I won’t be ready for it, because I won’t know how to handle the situation, and along comes the inevitable phone call, “mom… I have a bit of a problem…”

I’ve always thought to myself, when I finally settle down and have a family, should I do what my mom did and make sure my kids are always taken care of, always have what they need? Or should I throw them to the wild, with nothing but a stick and a stone to fend for themselves? Ideally, I’ll reach some middle ground, probably siding on the let them fend for themselves side. The reason for this can be seen in a biological fashion. Biologically speaking, letting kids fall down, and play in the dirt, or getting scrapes and bruises strengthens their immune system, it makes them more robust, more.. cold-resistant so to speak. I feel that letting kids do their own thing socially and personally while letting them find and fix their own mistakes would be the way to go. Of course, this is not to say that I won’t take care of them, or help them fix their problems, but it’s like my father has said recently.

If you’re old enough to take care of yourself, all I’m going to ask you is if you’re hungry, if you are, no problem what do you want, if you aren’t – that’s all that needs to be said. Whereas my mother is more along the lines of; Are you hungry? Do you want a grilled cheese? Do you want leftovers? Do you want a fruit salad? Are you sure you’re not hungry? I can make you a salad if you want.

The two walks are both extremely different, but they both have their strengths and cons. I feel that the cons are stronger in the babying method…

It’s important for me to realize that without my mom’s special care, my hearing aids, and much of how I know how to take care of them, would probably be damaged and irreparable. And I’ve often wondered if my mother babied me because of the sole fact that I was hearing impaired. Of course, that wasn’t the case, and it was simply because she was a mother – one of the best. Although it did cause me to believe, growing up, that because I was hearing impaired, I was meant to be treated like a baby, and that people should step up and help me without my asking. It took me a while to realize that, hey, I needed to step up for myself and ask for what I needed…

In summation, has hearing aids led me to be babied, or have they led me to advocate strongly for myself? In my case, it’s more of the former, less of the latter. Something that is slowly changing as I’m living on my own, and gaining my own independence. My hearing loss does not affect the rest of my independence, I am able to assume responsibility and manage things on my own just as well. Of course, ordering food from a waitress or handling an important phone call is still a hassle, but it’s getting there, slowly and surely.

You said yea, I thought you said nah

Misunderstandings are problematic in today’s society, they can lead to a slew of problems and issues in the workplace, family, the home, relationships – you name it, they can wreck it.  A person with a hearing loss has this problem tenfold upon tenfold that it actually becomes fun and humourous for us to go through these misunderstandings:

An example, if you will: “Will you get the salad tongs for me?” Can sound like, “Would you bet the king kongs hurry?”  Of course the second sentence makes no sense, and the first sentence was asked just out of context so I had nothing to go on.  After realizing my mistake, I can laugh about it, and go get the salad tongs – sure I could be embarrassed over the fact that I had to ask someone to repeat their simple request, but if I did get embarrassed, I never would spend much time being.. well… not embarrassed.

Looking at the above example, it’s easy to see how get could be seen as bet, a g sound that doesn’t sound so sharp sounds like a b. Tongs and kongs makes sense as well, and the two ‘relations’ that are a stretch are for me and hurry and salad and king.  The for me and hurry can be seen, if the for and the me get run together, and the m isn’t pronounced very well, it could sound like hurry but not quite.  King sounds nothing like salad, but taking everything else into consideration, these two are kinda fill in the blanks – one based on what it may sound like, the other one purely by what makes sense.  And therein lies the root of misunderstandings for people with hearing loss. It’s a combination of hearing words that “sound” like mispronunciations (even though they weren’t mispronounced we hear them like you’d hear a mispronunciation) and fill in the blanks.

It’s like I always tell people, I can hear just like you do, I just can’t understand very well.  Without a clear line of sight to the person talking to me, I’m not going to be able to understand much of what you say, because I rely heavily on lip reading to fill in the gaps of what you say (ladies – you wanna win my heart over? Have the most sexy drop dead gorgeous lips, and I won’t be able to stop listening to every word you say).  I can hear everything else just fine, the birds singing, the water rushing through the creeks, the crickets chirping, just.. life blooming. I can hear it all, and it’s a very one track sound so I can understand it.  Words, man, words are lost on me.  It’s like playing word jumbles every time I talk to someone new…

Get Real and be Serious for Once.

How much fun is too much fun? When is it necessary to be serious?

The prime example that comes to mind is the parent who is fun and outgoing and always loves playing with their kids. But when it comes time to explain a serious issue, to reprimand them for something they’ve done that is socially inexcusable, the parent is always able to lock down play time and address the situation seriously. This is a necessity in life, one necessary for everyone to learn the social skills they need to learn (even without that parent, they will still learn these skills, it’ll just be harder for them and a bit more embarrassing since they’ll have gone through the completely inappropriate situation and be left wondering why they did not see the reactions they expected).

But let’s consider self for a moment and not others. Can you be absolutely serious with yourself? I know for sure that I cannot. And if I can, I have some real trouble cracking down and getting serious. I’ll start lightly then progress the more serious situations, in a chronological fashion of course, I’m meticulous like that. Alright so, the first time I needed to be serious about myself was most obviously when I was a child taking care of my hearing aids. I needed to be mature and responsible enough to take care of them – surely you think growing up like this would lead me to grow up into a responsible young man. Unfortunately, that was not the case. I had a loving mother who I would never trade away ever, for anything, and who always took care of me. But she took care of my hearing aids, because I wouldn’t. This led to me have poor self care. I wouldn’t brush my teeth all the time, I wouldn’t be too overtly careful with my overall appearance. Bad mistake, I needed to get serious, and I did. I take care of myself now, and what I considered a chore before is now second nature to me.

The next big one, health. I was in the hospital at the ripe age of 16, turning 17. I hadn’t eaten in a couple of weeks, and then it was announced I had a benign tumor growing in my stomach. It was removed, surgically, and the whole time – despite being pale, being unable to poop at all (oh was there a celebration when I passed stool), and being without solid food for 3 weeks, I remained lighthearted, always joking, always smiling. Never once did I feel upset or frustrated or sad to be there, it was what it was. I left the hospital, and started eating after the 5th week, slowly I regained my health. I had lost a total of 40 pounds, and people mentioned I looked lighter, then after I had gotten color back, people had mentioned I looked better. You’d think then that fat old me would get serious and be cautious about his health? Noooo, not this one, this one kept eating junk food, fries, and desserts like it was his job. I came to college and realized that I could never be one of the beautiful people, so I decided to go the gym. At first I was so not into it, but I got slightly serious about it then it just became a hobby. I still like junk food, it’s just I eat what I want, and I want less junk food lately. I hardly think I’m serious about it, friends eat junk food in front of me, or eat in a way I think is completely wrong diet wise, and I honestly do not care, I just wouldn’t do it myself but I don’t mind that you eat like this, at least you’re not hurting yourself. So I’m not as serious as people think I am.

Now the now, this is the one that’s in that middle phase, and this is the one that I think is tied to my hearing loss, in one of those weird twist-able tangible ways. So, this is not self care, and this is not health. This is mentality and management of self. I used to be immersed in this world of video games when I was younger. It was something tangible and something I understood easily. I didn’t have to strain to listen, I knew the story, I knew the plot, and I controlled what happened. It was perfect for someone like me, then they introduced these societies within the game, where everyone communicated via text! Gasp, what an amazing breakthrough – something that sucked the larger part of 4 years of my life. But unfortunately one of those years, the last one, was my freshman year at college. The single year that if I had to pick to redo, it would be that one. This one year has single handedly destroyed my GPA, to the point where if I want to get the GPA I dreamed of before college, it would take an additional 5 years of straight 4.0s. So you’d think I’d crack down and get serious about my school work? Haha, unlikely. It took my sophomore year to realize that I should actually bother doing work, and it’s taking me junior year to realize that what I use for distractions are bad, and I should actually do work in my free time instead of enjoying it. I know, it sounds horrible, but that’s what happens when you’re pre-med. The only reason I’ve never gotten serious about this is because, while I’m slowly transitioning into this mentality, I’m also becoming afraid. I’m so afraid that this means from this point on out, it’s going to be about all work until the day I retire. I feel like once I let myself spend an entire month doing nothing but work, that’s going to turn into a year, that’s going to turn into 4 years, then 3 years, then 20 years of no breaks, no fun, nothing but seriousness. And I don’t know if I want to handle that.

I don’t know if I want to grow up, and I’m afraid for the future. I’ve never been a fan of the past, and I’m always worried about the present, how do you think I feel about the future? I’m gonna feel sucky if I’m serious, but if I can at least be happy and have fun in the present and enjoy the past, I should at least be looking forward to the future right? Wrong, how can you have a good future without a solid base to work from now? Build a foundation of silly string, and the house, no matter how beautiful or structurally sound, will come falling down.

Sex in the Society

Maybe the only post that has absolutely nothing to do about me being hearing impaired, but definitely the first.  This has been on my mind for awhile, both extremes have been present.  My problem has been that while I’ve done a lot, so to speak, it’s only been with one person really, which ended a long time ago.  And while there are plenty of other people to have physical relationships with, I don’t know if I’m really willing to.  As nice as it is to fondle people inappropriately what is the real essence behind it?  What’s the real meaning – why is this society, the one I’m living in, middle school (shockingly enough nowadays) to college filled with this incessant drama about sex.  And at the college years, it’s not even drama with people on campus (which happens, but rarely) it almost always involves people from back home – those glorified High School days.  The very root of my problem with this issue could stem from numerous things – maybe it’s the lack of my experience, maybe it’s the lack of people I meet on this level, maybe it’s just the way I am, or maybe it’s the mere fact that I’m conscious to this sort of drama-rife world.

 

People hook-up, that’s a given.  People have sex, that’s a given.  People have sex with people they don’t even know the names of – that’s a definite given at college.  The beauty of college is that you don’t necessarily have to see the person you’ve gone all the way with.  High School was a different story – it was the same 200 people or so that you saw every single day.  People are avoidable here (which I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing) and that’s what makes the level of drama so different.  The only problem is when people come to college campuses without these experiences and don’t know what to expect.  Now I’m going to flat out tell you, I have no idea what to expect, and I’m going to go through the possibilities from this point on trying to figure out what it all means.

The main question on my mind at this point is a simple one: Is it possible to, after getting to know someone, have sex with them without being certain about the future?  You get to know someone, you end up have sex, but you’ve never entered a committed relationship with them.  There is no protocol to breaking that relationship off – it can end easily since there is no commitment but it also can end when one person isn’t ready to stop having feelings for the other person.  When that happens, the relationship never really ends, since it was never a relationship with an end in the first place.  This introduction of sex genuinely complicates the whole situation – sex cannot work in, simply put, a friendship.  Sex has to be within two people that are in a relationship with a definite foreseeable end.  And by end, I specifically mean, there’s something that can happen to let both people know that, hey, this relationship is ending – we can go back to being friends, or we can go our own way.  In a friendship, with sex, there’s no end, after all is said and done, do you still remain friends? If so you’re still going to have sex – you can’t end sex and keep the friendship, but if something happens and the friendship ends, can you start that friendship back up again without expecting sex to be an issue?  It’s highly unlikely because sex has become so intertwined in that feeling of friendship with that person that it would be hard not to think about it.  In this situation, the feeling of friendship has essentially become associated with sex, that you cannot feel uncomfortable having sex with that person without being in a heavy relationship with them – but when someone doesn’t want to have the physical aspect of the relationship but the mental aspect – that’s asking a bit much.  That’s like asking to be as close friends as you were before without the actual closeness.  Sex cannot just be sex, it’s not just a physical thing when it’s between two people who know each other.  It’s another level in a relationship, and in a relationship that’s kept at the friendship level, sex makes it that much more closer.  But removing sex would have to result in some sort of weaker relationship taking place, to expect the relationship to remain as strong would be a ridiculous statement – something that will happen only if both people wanted the sex to stop.

This is an extremely complicated topic to talk about, something that in reality is so simple, can complicate so many things.  Why must we think with our dicks and not our brains is something I’ve always wondered, and been guilty of myself.  Just doing what you want is something that everyone should keep in mind – don’t get involved in relationships just because someone else wants to, don’t deal with bullshit or drama just because someone else keeps bringing it back.  If you want to move on, you should, don’t let them hold you back.  These friends with sexual relationships never end well, and the ending at best is iffy – it’s not sure who still wants to have that physical connection and it’s not sure who doesn’t.  It’s something that goes back and forth in your mind that’s not resolved until both people explicitly state – without and restriction on their language – exactly what they want and what they expect out of the friendship.  Only then can this be a drama free aspect of life – and it’s the way to live it by.  People realize this in college – some people later than others.  Focus more on what’s important – your school, your health, your life and worry less about what’s happening with others.  If they’re with you, great, if they leave, so be it, move on.  Take that lesson well, and heed it wisely.  Do what you want.  Even the most inexperienced sexually have told me this – don’t deal with this stuff, and just move on.  To those who haven’t experienced it, it seems ridiculous that we go through this stuff.  To those, it’s understandable.

 

Touching People – Innapropriately

Let us start this.. suggestive title with an affirmation.  I believe I’m great in bed. Not amazing, not decent.
Now, I’m not saying I’m well hung, I’m not saying I’m not either.  I’m not saying I’m amazing in bed, nor am I saying I’m decent.  For all I know, I could be way off base, but at this point, I believe I’m great in bed.

I also believe I’m in great shape, physically of course (albeit a few pounds more and I’ll be perfect).  And that I’m devilishly handsome.  These affirmations are remarkably similar to someone who may be considered – an egoist, an asshole, a jerk, someone just so full of himself that he’s rude, manipulative, and so goddamn irresistible.

I’m just irresistible.  But it begs an interesting question, as I go through life, I notice, physically, I’m changing more and more into a well fit person who resembles that of a greek god.  Yes I’m vain, but by god, I need to be; as you will soon see.

For there are two things that hold me back in confidence, just these two little things that I’m so self-concious about.  One is a minor case of gynacomastia, the other is my hearing loss.  The minor case can, hopefully, be hidden more with a good amount of working out.  The other one, well I’m kinda stuck with it for life.  Say what you want about me as a person, as amazing or fantastic as I may be, I fear many people will not get to know this amazing, wonderful, kind side of me because I’m just too gosh darn shy to approach them.  Yes, we are talking about the fairer kind here.  My confidence is shot, in large part to my hearing loss, in small part to the excess tissue that’s built up in my chest that looks weird only when not flexed.

So why does someone who seems to have all the confidence in the world, or at least the very basics for all the confidence in the world, not have all that confidence?  I don’t even know at this point, it’s just a tumultuous experience I’ve been through, and unless I definitely get introduced to the fairer kind, I very rarely make the first move – all for fear of embarrassment.

Let’s consider this, I go up to them, start talking, then I may mishear something, or I may say what a lot.  That’s a given, but the very fact that I went up to them signifies that they might not have been that interested to talk to me in the first place.  So here we seemingly have someone not interested to talk to me, constantly having to strain to repeat herself.  However when you consider someone who comes up to me first, she’s showing the interest, and the willingness to repeat herself, just because at that point I know she’s interested and I’m much more comfortable with her.  So, why inconvenience someone so much that not only do they have to talk to someone they hardly know, but they also have to constantly repeat themselves?  This turmoil constantly plays itself over and over again in my head every single time I see people.

Constantly I’m envisioning conversations I’m never going to have, if I ever get to the point where I feel comfortable enough (a rare experience indeed) then I’ll approach them, because I feel at that point I may know enough about them to at least carry that awkward first few minutes while I get to know their voice.  But I constantly play these little scenarios out in my head because at the same time they may approach me, and so I must be in the mindset to answer them and carry a conversation, because nothing’s weirder than approaching someone just to have them kinda completely ignore you.  I wouldn’t want that to happen to me, so I try my hardest to make sure I don’t do it to anyone else, but sometimes things can’t be helped and I just can’t hear you initiate a conversation.

Life is tough, and I wish I could touch more people inappropriately.

Touching People – Appropriately

Consider this an extension of the nicety post, but with some extra spice added to it.

Like I mentioned before, I think I’m a nice guy, even to the point where I feel I am way too nice sometimes. People always say, oh you’re a nice guy and all, but no one ever seems to really really appreciate how nice I am, albeit a special few. And the reason why I’m being conceited on this point is because I rarely ever see anyone do anything as nice or as above and beyond what a normal person would do. The reason I’m bringing this up is because, I feel like it makes a difference in their lives if you can just make it that much easier for them – it may be such a small amount, something as simple as a small sentence, or something as grandiose as a generous gesture with nothing expected in return and nothing asked of you to do. I don’t expect an overtly large thank you, a simple thank you will suffice. But to then turn around and act like a complete asshole to me? No, I mean, that’s just complete bullshit.

I don’t drink, one of the reasons why I don’t drink is because I don’t like myself when I’m drunk. The old childhood me comes out, the one that was bossy, commandeering, loud and aggressive. Mind you, aggressive and mean towards others are two different things. I was always still nice and grateful, but I was slightly more obnoxious than normal. Another reason is because I believe it’s genuinely bad for you to drink, no matter what the reason is. One with a meal, and if you keep it to 2 a week at the very very very most – it’s fine. But college parties definition of drinking – is not fine. And I’ve seen it on three counts three nights in a row. So, good old sober Darryl, as nice as he can be, dealing with a bunch of drunk people. Obviously I stick out like a sore thumb, I’m straight and they are weaving and bobbing all over the place talking about whatever it is they talk about in their own beer language… Of course I get stuck helping these people, and as you may or may not know, drunk people aren’t necessarily the most appreciative, or thoughtful of people. That’s fine with me, but to deal with it 3 nights in a row is a bit too much. Suffice to say I’ve reached my snapping point and that’s why I’m here, in a room with the door locked and my hearing aid out. I can’t deal with this shit anymore.

I so badly want to touch people’s lives. I want them to feel better emotionally after they spend time with me, after a conversation I want them to feel better about themselves. I so badly want everyone to be as happy as I am. (most of the time) But there are times when I’m not happy, and I hate it so much. It’s those times I wish I had someone to uplift my spirits, but that’s what I’ve spent my entire life building up – being that guy to uplift someone’s spirits when they are down. It doesn’t always work, sure, but it’s honestly the only thing that keeps me going as happy as I am – is knowing that I’m spreading happiness. But when I do try to help people, or to cheer them up and they just turn around and act completely against me, no matter how jokingly, enough times is going to make me feel like I’m hitting a stone wall. And I just get depleted. The only thing keeping me happy, is seeing how fulfilled I can make others.

Why, then, am I this way? Why am I so goddamn obsessed with making people enjoy themselves more and have a better fuller life? I could draw a theory to my hearing loss, and that’s exactly what I will do. Whenever I was young, I was always upset about my hearing loss, i was a bossy child and my friends slowly drifted away from me because I was freaked out about not having things go the way I wanted them to. That meant that I would probably miss out on the ‘plan change’ because I couldn’t hear it. So, there was little Darryl, down in the dumps, who considered suicide as an option. (A long time ago, a time that passed and that I’m over) And I never had anyone come to me to make me feel better. Sure I had my parents and my family, but I only saw them so much, and I couldn’t possibly expect them to spend 24/7 with me. And with my friends drifting away, I was spending more and more time with myself, thinking about nothing else but how goddamn frustrated I was to be hearing impaired. I sat in my room moping, oh I’m hearing impaired and I’ll never hear what they say, so I’m not going to even bother. Slowly I started spending more and more time with people, becoming much more reserved – more the listener and not the talker, more the follower and not the leader. I was afraid of losing them again to bossiness, I realized I couldn’t control everything, and I didn’t want to control even the littlest bit because I was afraid I’d miss some fundamental fact and I’d do everything wrongly.

But as I spent more and more time with people, I realized we all have problems, we all have sorrow, and to know what it feels like to be in immense sorrow, I just didn’t want to let anyone else go through that, at least not without knowing they have a friend. I had stopped becoming the loud voice, and became the strong ear. I would always listen to anyone’s problems, no matter how long, stupid, or boring they were. Whether they were simple problems, or incredibly complex problems – I listened. There was nothing more powerful than saying your piece and working your problem vocally, especially with someone listening and offering a different perspective on things. It was what I did, it is what I do.

It’s tiring, and it’s starting to get on my nerves. When do I get to speak again? I spoke for 8 years, then I stopped for 12. And now the people who I listen to, on what seems to be years and years on end, never listen to me. Talking back is either talking to a brick wall, a texting phone, or someone who wants to bring something up about themselves again. No one listens to my voice anymore. Years and years of suppressing my voice because it never had anything to say that was relevant (since it never knew what was relevant) has not only left me hearing impaired, but it’s left me silent. Good, they’re happy, they feel better. But what about me? The amount of happiness I get from helping other people slowly is diminishing as those people are not turning around to help me in my minor times of need.

I’m hearing impaired, I don’t follow what’s being said in a group very well, and while I hear them I don’t understand them. I do better when I’m talking to one other person, about casual things. Then when it’s just one person talking and I don’t have to say much I listen the best, and I hear the best. But when I’m talking I don’t think I can hear myself anymore, no one else seems to either.

Random Acts of Kindness

I would like to consider myself a nice guy. I mean to say, I feel that I may not be as good hearted as I would like to be, but there are things that I will do sometimes that I wouldn’t expect to see in return. Simple things, like going out of my way to help people, or helping people when I just don’t want to, but I feel that everyone does those kind of things, and I’m not entirely sure if it’s just me or what. But I suppose I get in return what I give, and if I really thought about it, I’d feel like saying that whenever I do a lot of nice things something goes well for me, but that’s just because I’m thinking about it and not because that’s actually what happens. Then again, I really am not a nice person, or at least I think that because of the many things I think and say about people. A genuinely nice person wouldn’t bad mouth someone else would he? I have, so I can’t possibly be the extremely nice person everyone has made me out to be.

But if, and that’s a big if, I am the person that everyone has said I am, why? Why do I do unneccesary things, that people wouldn’t normally do, without prompt, without cause? I’ve often wondered sometimes, after I do something, why did I just go ahead and do that, when that person didn’t even ask me for my help? I’ve always wondered about it, and thought maybe it was because I was hearing impaired, and maybe because I had gone through a lot in life I would want to make it easier for other people, just as I would want it to be easier for me. But that NEVER works out, never being 99%. I always expect people to help me out a certain way, and they never do unless I ask them. Sometimes they can’t at all, and of course, me being the way I am, really, honestly, don’t care that they can’t help me. I’ve never liked asking for help, so I’ve always just helped people since I assumed they didn’t like asking for help.

But does my hearing loss have anything to do with the acts of kindness or the fact that I don’t like asking for help? Let’s look at the first; when I first thought of this subject, I thought that maybe I was nice because a friend of mine was so nice to me I didn’t understand why. And somehow, someway, that changed me. It’s such a stupid story, but it deals with pokémon cards. I stole his, a month later they found out I had it, I gave it back. I stole it again, and they called that day and got it back. Now mind you, this is my best friend – not the nicest thing to do back in 3rd grade. But he eventually traded me that card for another one of my cards that I didn’t care about at all. That trade, caused him to get another card that I really wanted. Now, I didn’t steal this one, but it made me think. He went through all that trouble, didn’t care that I stole it, was willing to let me have it basically, and ended up with the better deal. This was amazing, this was karma, this was like finding the statue of the fat golden man on top of the tallest mountain. But I never made a concious effort to change after that moment, I just kinda did, gradually. I think I was selfish, and even though I still am to this day (oh god, I am selfish beyond belief) I manage to put other people before me, and I honestly have not a care in the world about how other people use, or abuse, my help – as long as I can help them, I’m happy.

I’m honestly glad that I am the way I am now about this whole situation.. As I talk about it, life is simple, life is happy, life is carefree. As I type this, I am sitting on my porch, with my iTunes going, and it is the most beautiful day we’ve had in awhile (summer’s starting, woo) There is really nothing better than this moment right here, the birds singing the graceful melody, the trees gently swaying in the most perfect summer breeze, the sun light just barely peeks through the leaves as it sets, casting a lush golden glow on the trees, grass, sky. Such a perfect moment, and it really is the best thing in life. I could be insided playing video games as i have been all summer (when I’m not working) but this is just so much better, and by sitting here doing nothing, I’ve never felt more alive. As long as I can sit here anytime I want, I don’t really care what people expect of me, and I don’t care if they need my help or not. I want people to be happy because I already am – eventhough I don’t know it all the time…

I hate asking for help, I really do, the last thing I want to seem like is an imposition. But people tell me I’m not imposing, even though I genuinely feel like I am. It bothers me so much, that when I ask someone for help, and something gets done faster, it doesn’t feel as satisyfing as if I had done it by myself and struggled. And not satisfying as in the sense of, I accomplished this myself, but satisfying in the sense that I won’t feel comfortable with myself if I feel like I’ve imposed. So I never ask for help, since I constantly feel like I’m imposing. The only people who seem to be exempt to this is are my parents, only because, well they kinda have to and I’m no imposition to them. But I’ve never understood why I absolutely hated the feeling of imposition, and the feeling that I’d be making someone do something they dont’ wanna do. Which is why someone goes out of their way to help me, and I’ve never asked them, I don’t feel as bad, and so this is why I do it myself. The last thing I want is anyone to feel like they’ve imposed upon me.

Also, I don’t think this has much to do with my hearing loss, because, as far as other hearing impaired people go, I haven’t exactly been the perfect gentleman. I behave towards them, just as the rest of society does, and this is because I was raised in a mainstream society. It’s only been, 6 or so years that I’ve started really helping people with hearing loss or in the same situation as I am in. It took me a while as I was a kid to realize that other people with hearing aids were the same as me. And those with more severe hearing losses and profound accents, they got made fun of, even while I was standing there, and I genuinely felt bad. This was a turn around for me, why would my friends make fun of someone with hearing loss when I’m standing right there with them? Such is a topic for another time.

The main theme I see here? Do unto others as you wish done unto yourself. Such a good statement to live by, but it’s hard in this society where no one wants to seemingly do anything so far as to give you the time of day. In fact, I’ve heard way too many stories about people trying to get helped getting nothing but negativity in return, and that worries me. Where are we going as a society? Thankfully there are still people who are genuinely nice, showing that we still have a shred of humanity left. And hopefully, even to my old age, I can get to that point, and stop being corrupted by society’s ways of influencing me to be ‘mean.’

Analyzing what doesn’t happen

I’ve noticed something recently about myself, I tend to over think and complicate overly simple things. I also tend to over analyze any situation, glance, phrase, or tone of voice presented to me. And like all idiosyncrasies I have I tend to think, is it because of hearing loss or is it just the way I am? This is one of those few things which I know for sure is purely because of my hearing loss, even though it’s not readily apparent. This means to say, my friends know I over analyze things, they also know I’m hearing impaired, but they don’t put the two together, and the reason why I know and they don’t is very deeply rooted.

So let’s get gardening…

Before hitting the roots, there’s a lot of topsoil to go through first, well, there may be a lot, but it’s easy to heave it out of the way. So let’s get the questions over with first, and hopefully this will be one of those less, asky type insights, and one of those more, so this is what it’s really like – that famous “ahhh” moment when it all clicks in your head. I’m a rarity, at least I’ve always believed, when it comes to how I live my life. I oversimplify the big things, and over complicate the simple easy things.

If I have college applications coming up, or an interview for a job, or I run for a position, I’ve always been at ease with those things, because very rarely have I outright failed. I’ve always gotten jobs – even when I didn’t want them (and I’m not talking about paid jobs soley, but jobs that people have you do around the office, or school building for credit), and all my applications, for the most part have been successful. Those that haven’t, I’ve been able to rationalize pretty fast as to why I didn’t get accepted, either it was as concrete as a score being 20 points too low, or something as hollistic as there were too many qualified people for the job, and while I wasn’t able to have been accepted – I wasn’t flat out denied. Most of these “rejections’ don’t make me upset, except, and by god, you had to have gotten through life and realized this by now, there are always exceptions. In my case, a specific example, McGill university said I was good enough in every way to be a student at their university (my first choice) except for one of my SAT 2s being 20 points lower than it should. Needless to say I was pissed off, but after one day of literally sleeping the anger away, I tried to brush it off and move on with life.

One thing I’ve realized – if you want to be happy, you gotta stop giving a shit about every big thing in your life. Think about it, everytime something big happens and you can’t get your first choice, but you settle on your second, third, maybe even your fourth best, something good always happens along the line. you never end up settling and essentially having your life end. And like always, there are exceptions to that rule, and there are people who get so stressed out about not having what they want that they just flat out give up and try not to do anything about their situation. Happiness is not where you are, who you know, happiness is something that comes from whithin, that is so simple, so many people overwork it. You control your happiness, and you can control it only when you realize how simple it is.

Sounds easy right? All those unhappy people have reasons why I’m a moron, or I’m an idiot for saying all this stuff. I got one thing to say to them. Ok. And then I would have to ask them to ask themselves ( I don’t really care to hear their answer unless they want to tell me) are you really doing the best you can to do nothing? It sounds complicated, but it’s really so simple – a lot of people are not happy with their situation because if they don’t get what they want, they stop themselves from enjoying anything else. Newsflash: doing this prevents you from even enjoying what you wanted in the first place even if you manage to achieve it. Alright, so it’s easy, and it’s hard to do something so easy. Understandable.

But it’s also a double edged sword, and it’s ridiculously easy to do something so hard, something so energy taxing, and something so meaningless and unimportant. Yet even I do it and I can’t help it, but I feel like it has to be done. I will say this, and I will say it bluntly. It might be only me, it might be only people with hearing loss, and you may feel you have absolutely nothing similar to what I’m about to say. Guess what, literally almost everyone does this, but some do it much less than others. People with hearing loss, like me, tend to do this a LOT more.

If someone is walking down the street, and gives you a nod and a slightly happy facial expression, you nod back, give them a slight smile, maybe a chuckle, maybe even a yo. Even the speed, and enthusiasm behind your friend fist bumping you, or even the look and tone people take with their friends once you leave the group or even when you approach it. All of these are the analytical nature of social interactions. And all of these are things I can’t help but notice and pick up on. The main reason why this is so concious in my mind, and my mind is constantly racing with people’s idiosynachries, or their personalities, or their slightest of slight subtle movement is because I’m hearing impaired. I hear but I don’t understand, this we’ve established. But we’ve also established I’m left to fill in the blanks, and we’ve touched on the fact that I have (now) 19 years of social bluffing experience. If someone is happy and talking about something that seemingly interests them, their facial expressions, their body language, their eyes show this. I’m so much more inclined to saying yes to something I didn’t understand because it’s so likely that they said something like, you know what I mean? Or, it’s such an amazing thing, right? But if they look angry or upset, or even frustrated (whether it’s at me or not) I really, really, really carefully pick my answers. It’s bad of me to do, and I should really get people to repeat things more, but when someone is so happy talking about something, I really feel bad thinking that if I make them repeat it, they might get frustrated saying the same thing over and over again and I wouldn’t want that to happen to one of their favorite subjects. There you go, you see, I’m overanalyzing social situations again. And just now I realized there’s really two different types of social analysis. The body language type – what I’m dubbing as the Poker Rules of Interaction; what their body language, tone of voice, eyes, smile, facial expressions says about what they are feeling. And the Social Curtain.

The Poker Rules of Interaction is something everyone adheres to and something everyone knows. It’s the simple analysis of anything physical, even things they say. Almost everyone does this, and those who do it best can gamble extremely well. But the analysis that’s the more taxing one is something I like to call the Social Curtain. Even after I’m done talking to someone, I’m still constantly thinking about what just happened, and even when I’m expecting to meet someone, I’m constantly thinking of what will happen. I’m constantly thinking of what will happen, even while I’m having a conversation. It’s so simple as, ‘if I say this, he can respond with this, or this, or even that’ and it slowly becomes incredibly complex as the conversation goes on because there just are so many possibilities as to how a person can respond. But when they do respond according to one of the many scenarios I have in my head, I feel ready to respond back to them, whether or not it be what I thought I’d say. But the PRI can change the Social Curtain so easily. You can plan an entire conversation, but if their facial expression is just a hair a bit different than what you thought up, you can’t possibly expect to say what you planned to say, because at that point it could just be flat out wrong; socially. As much as I’d like to let the chips fall where they may, I can’t, I’m constantly trying to fill in gaps, and it gives me such a leg up if I try to fill in those gaps before they even occur. Double layering, even triple layering streets with asphalt to prevent potholes – it takes more time, effort, energy and resources than just repairing the potholes as they come up, but at least you never have to experience a pothole. Worst part is, my Social Curtain can’t even 100% prevent all the potholes as well as triple layering a street with asphalt.

Something to think about – because I’m getting tired of doing too much thinking for something so miniscule.